The Menopausal Goddess and Mid Life Crisis

The time comes when you just embrace
your inner goddess!

This is a repost of the 2013 April A-Z Blogging Challenge.  I have chosen to talk about the Menopause Goddess and Mid Life Crisis.

I have reached that time in life and rather than sink into a bed of midlife depression, I have decided to just unleash and embrace my inner menopausal goddess.

Now of course if I had lots of money I could do it in celebrity style with lots of Botox and a permanent smile, but I like to sleep with my eyes closed, ya know!

Since I can't change the whole aging thing, I am just gonna learn to embrace the menopausal goddess inside of me. I appreciate the stars like Lisa Rinna because I can now be confident that adult diapers won't show through my clothes.

Doctors say that Kegels are as important to older women as the Heimlich and become as routine as cleaning the house or doing the dishes. Remember to keep up with those Kegel's ladies!

Most of us go from flat to round in many areas like the tummy and the butt. Everyone is different. It was around age 48 that I noticed that my dryer started shrinking all of my jeans. Since I re-injured my knee I am not really as active as I used to be. I still take walks, but exercises like aerobics and Zumba make my knee scream at me. I was told that I just needed some Yoga and Meditation.

Maybe it's just me, but it's almost like if you were wishing for a poo and all you can do is fart- ya know- one of those kinds of things!

I do wish I had paid more attention in school though because Sigmund Freud's law of gravity also applies to our breasts. I am learning that we can't defeat gravity as we watch our breasts transform from perky to sagging almost instantly, overnight. Ladies of all ages remember support is very important!  My mama was born in the 1940's, back when the ladies didn't wear bras when they were pregnant for fear a bra would restrict their milk coming in. So, when I was pregnant with my first child I thought my mama knew best. Oh no! She was so wrong. I am at an age where that ghost of many Christmases past came back to haunt me. I wish someone had told me differently! Ladies... keep those bras on I say!

We ladies love jewelry. Enjoy all your fancy pieces while you can. Treasure those days because the day will come when your favorite necklace will be replaced by a life alert necklace.

Embrace your inner goddess ladies otherwise you could easily become one of the ladies packing your bags and moving to Cougartown. When that doesn't work, they go on talk shows crying to Dr. Phil while the rest of us scream at the TV who knew that wouldn't happen! I say Look in the Mirror. Which is more beautiful? Your Inner Menopause Goddess or Batshit Crazy?

Now we all know that men too can also go through a period in their lives that is called a midlife crisis. I'm wondering, just who the heck decided to call it a crisis?

Why is it just a menopausal thing or The Change when it is referring to us ladies and it's a crisis when it involves the guys?

The word crises sound so traumatic, doesn't it? To me, a crisis is, for instance, the house is on fire. A crisis is when a bungee cord breaks, or you've fallen and you can't get up- stuff like that. I have never heard of the police having a mid-life crisis team in place. Why are we ladies expected to set back and suck it up, but let a guy see a gray or a wrinkle and suddenly... It becomes a crisis? Since males are supposed to be the stronger species they need to.... stop being such a drama king! 

©Gossip_Grl 

Inside The Menopausal Mind

This is a Maxine pic

This is a repost of the post for an older April A-Z posting I did for the letter I.  I have chosen Inside the Menopausal Mind as my topic today. I noticed about the same time that my AARP card arrived in the mail that many changes take place inside our minds during menopause.

Yep folks! I am an official card carrying member of the AARP and somehow I feel as if I am stuck in the middle. You see, I am too young for all the senior benefits and retirement; yet old enough to know better. It sucks.

In years past I used to shop for purses and shoes; I now shop for Gold Bond Anti Itch cream. I used to love going shopping, now just the thought of it makes me want to take a nap.
Driving is the worst. I used to not care so much how people drove on the roadway, now it's crazy. Those cars that pass on the shoulder thinking they

A Trip Down Hormone Lane

Reposted from the 2013 April A-Z Blogging Challenge for the letter H and I've decided to take A Trip Down Hormone Lane. Along for the ride my new menopausal friends. Itchy Dry Skin, Hot

flashes, Bloated, Slow Metabolism, Sleepless Nights, Crazy Dreams, I Need A Nap and I can't forget Moody Patooty plus two Bitchy and Psycho.

Oh, they are all a lot of laughs to have around me, daily. It's hours of fun here at my house I tell you. I am actually thinking about claiming all of them on my taxes next year. If I am going to be supporting them and they don't have jobs I should be able to claim them right?

The trip on Hormone Lane is like a Pandora's Box as we travel to our first stop on the trip. It is The Follicle Stimulating Hormone Test. This is the test that

Doctors, Drug Companies and The Aging

pic from www.minniepauz.com

Today's topic is Docs, Drug Companies and the Aging. So, I am one of the folks who unfriended my doc on Facebook. On, no we just aren't close like that anymore. Maybe it is just me, but it feels like I somehow hit some magical age in the ozone and when I sought out a medical consult my doc no longer sees me as a live human person. He looks at me with the biggest brightest dollar signs in his eyes. I have heard caching after my name is called to go back to see the doc. Let me tell you that somewhere between the mid-forties to 50 and up should you seek a consult with your doc this will be the time when your doc will introduce you to his friends, pharma companies. Then one day you log into your email or onto Facebook and they all want to friend you. They suddenly become your next

Cyberchondria and Menopause

Today is the letter C. My word for today is cyberchondria and don't laugh when I tell you this, but this gets worse with aging. Some time around age forty five is the time that I first noticed some of the early signs which is called, peri-menopause. I started seeking out all of those sites like Web MD to enter all my symptoms in because I really didn't know it was that. I just knew something was terribly wrong, but couldn't figure it out. After clicking and entering all my

Is Kitchenheimers The First Sign?

google image

This is a repost of an old April A-Z Blogging Challenge from April of 2012 posting. As we age they say that forgetfulness is a problem. For those of us in denial, forgetfulness is a sign that we are getting older. 
The name I have given to a disorder that I swear is possibly the first stages to the dreaded Alzheimer’s that we hear about is Kitchenheimers. Could it be that it first starts out as kitchenheimers? 

You know the symptoms of it; you walk into the kitchen and can't remember for the life of you what the hell you walked out there for. OR you go to the fridge,

An All Natural Approach To Menopause and Menopause Remedies

When I started into the menopausal spiral years I suddenly saw the dollar signs in my docs eyes and heard, "Ka-Ching" one visit long ago.

It was then that I decided that I would not be a guinea pig of nature or maybe I should have said that meant that I would not be taking anything related to HRT/hormone replacement therapy.

I then went to the health food store to seek advice for a homeopathic approach. You don't have to take my word for it, but menopause is a natural thing that happens to all women since Eve the first woman. I am still not sure how an appointment to discuss

Menopause For Dummies

I went browsing the ole Google search tip line for books on Menopause with tips on how to manage this stage of life unsure of just what keywords would work best and I stumbled across a book called Menopause for Dummies.

Wait do we really need a book with a title like that? 

There is so much in life that can be planned. Menopause has no set guidelines. no set of plans or even rules. Now, it would have been so much easier if I was born with the guidebook to the menopausal years, but I wasn't.

This part of life just sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it. Ladies, there is no way of telling when the next mood swing, or hot flash or other symptom is coming. Some days it happens two at a time and well if it were so the hubby would have days marked on the calendar. A big plus for this book is- set down for this one ladies this book was actually written by a woman, imagine that?

I found a book that is not written by a man trying to decipher some Code of Menopausal Women telling us how we should act, feel or look. That amazed me and my curiosity of course

The Grandma Effect

Ladies... This Is The Grandma Effect

This is a posting of a series I am doing on the Divine Secrets of the Menopausal Sisterhood. I guess I should warn you now that this post is about boobies.

 If the word boobies will offend you, then I'll warn you now, you won't want to keep reading this posting. I'm sure that some all or even most of you will probably find something in this post that offends you anyway, but it has to be said.

If you are easily offended then you probably want to stop reading this now.

You probably read that title to this post and you are shaking your head or at the very least you are wondering, what in the heck is the Grandma Effect? Otherwise, you wouldn't want to keep reading. I will answer that question now, 

Just what is the grandma effect? 

The grandma effect is that moment at about age forty or forty-something or maybe older when you are standing naked at the mirror and you notice that your boobs have suddenly and without warning lost their youthfulness of yesteryear. 

The song "Memories"  is playing in the distant background. They have lost that proud gravity; their perkiness is gone- lost forever to the grandma effect. 

Ladies... Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Puberty/Young Teen Years To Young Adult:
Remember the booby fairy of your younger days? The teen years when in your early teen years surprises you one summer and you suddenly went from training bra to an A-cup and you celebrated young womanhood. Little by little through your teens and without warning at all the booby fairy came and you jumped to yet another cup size and you secretly celebrated each new cup size that she so granted you.

The Pregnancy Years:
That same booby fairy from puberty came back to visit during pregnancy when she raises the cup stakes once again and grants you a couple extra sizes you know, for the baby. Of course, that celebration is short-lived because in just a few months little junior arrives and unless you breastfeed you lose the extra cup sizes that you were granted. When she takes them away can easily lead you to postpartum depression.

The Breastfeeding Years:
The booby fairy tends to hang around a little longer when you breastfeed. I only breastfed mine for a few months. I quit the La Leche Club as soon as mine started teething. Those mothers who breastfeed their kids until they start school and older you ladies deserve a medal of some kind. That wasn't for me at all.

Have you ever watched a teething baby with a ring or a baby bottle? Yeah, then I shouldn't have to say no more. I called it quits. I know. Some would tell me that this damaged my child in some way but I heard somewhere that if we lose a body part we don't grow one back and I'm pretty sure nipples are included in that. I took my chances.

Our Mothers Advice:
I learned that the older mothers just didn't always offer up the best advice to their daughters. Take for instance the daughter who is pregnant and if your mother ever told you that wearing a bra while pregnant restricted the milk from coming in. No, no, no! That wasn't the best advice.

NOW yes that was the thinking back in the days of many of our mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers. They didn't have the convenience we have today of special breastfeeding bras that are available today, so they went bra-less for the reason of not restricting their milk. After only one bra-less pregnancy, the damage is done. 

Even after all of this, the booby fairy only went into hibernation hiding and lurking until your menopause years. Then came this...

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Effect :
There is a great chance that a return of the booby fairy happened if you ate too much meat tainted with steroids and growth hormones and some if not all of us knows what that is, especially if you've had a daughter. Look at the boobs on the young girls today? Shoot you don't have to tell me. I had a daughter. My daughter was nine and had more boobs than me when I was nine. It was then that the hubby turned into "that father that no teen girl wants to have" and ready for the boys that started calling with a sign on the door read "No Warning Shots Will Be Fired" 

The meats we ate and especially chicken were loaded with steroids and growth hormones that tainted our food chain. The legs were as long as heron legs; thighs and breasts as big around as your calf and had what I call, The Arnold Schwarzenegger Effect. 

Sadly, folks, I hate to break this news to you but that was tainted meat. They thought the bigger the chicken the more they could charge per pound and they did, but I don't know if they considered the effect it would have on the people who ate it. The words, I'll be back still to haunt me today.

Maybe you are just a young girl currently celebrating your Au Naturale Liberty with no bra freedom. Hopefully, you haven't burned them yet because of this. Now I am not in anyway dissing the millennials and their bra theories, just take it from a baby boomer- Been there, Done that!

Ladies Ladies Ladies... This post is a warning. Take care of those Ta Ta's to avoid The Grandma Effect! That's what I say because when you head into the middle years and you know what years; late forties and beyond the booby fairy curses you with vengeance and in a way, you won't like. If you've reached those years, then you know already!

If you are young, believing that bras cause cancer so you've burned yours like your grandmothers and mothers protesting years ago and don't wear one- you will regret that one day. There is no proof that wearing a bra causes cancer nor not wearing one will protect you from getting cancer. The chances of you getting The Grandma Effect is much much greater than that. Don't believe me, look at your grandma and your great grandma.

According to the daytime shows Carrying your cell phone in your bra ups your chances greater than anything that you will get cancer. So if you are using your bra as a cell phone holder, stop that right now. Get those phones outta the bra. 

Your Later Years:
The Grandma Effect happens and that day comes when you look in the mirror and you notice that gravity has left your body and without a bra your boobs just hang there, drooping. Standing up they droop, lying on your back they seem to disappear on you drooping- often over to your armpit.

Depending on what the booby fairy endowed you with Girl get a mirror and look because they are in your armpit Trying to remember if there was a cream on the market that you neglected as part of your everyday beauty ritual.

Not wearing a bra while pregnant grants you immediate induction into The Grandma Effect Club that you will regret one day, I promise. I wished I hadn't taken that advice from my mama on this one. Oh, I know she meant well. Oh no. No one is going to take care of your ta-ta's but you ladies and that's a fact! Get them danged bras back on, ya hear now! 

The day will come when you too are begging for gravity to once again come back!

Image found @Google Images/Demotivational Posters

This post was also entered in the weekly link up I Hate Mondays sponsored by Elleroy Was Here

© 2014 Gossip_GrL

Flirting With Forty Something

This is a reposting of an old A-Z post I did on the letter F on another blog. Of course being hormonal and menopausal I could have thought of another "F" word, but I chose Flirting With Forty Something which was way better than the other F word I was thinking, don't you think?

So, are any of you ladies in the age group of the “Flirting with forty... something?”  

Oh yes, that was me too a couple of years ago. 

I was that forty-something, not yet ready for fifty and hanging onto whatever I could of my forties.

I had a lot of mixed emotions about that age.

For one thing, I thought these were the years I was waiting on?

The kids are all grown up and out on their own, the hubby and I could act like we were on our honeymoon again. We could start planning out all of those ways to embarrass our children in our later years and then what should happen? 

Mother Nature appeared in my life and boy can she be a real pain in the ass sometimes. She becomes relentless at forty-something with certain signs and symptoms and on some days she will throw a monkey wrench in there just for shits and giggles. 

For instance hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, headaches, insomnia, incontinence, weight gain, memory and cognitive changes, fatigue and depressed libido  which pretty much all of these send out all those WTH signals to us when all we really want to do is hold onto just a piece of youthfulness and a little bit of dignity. 

Seriously Mother Nature, after I have supported you this whole time and this is how it is going to end? Oh you know we will not be BFFs like this honey!

One of the biggest changes I first noticed was the bouts of insomnia, brought on by all of the nighttime hot flashes. If you've had those they are just the best aren't they? 

There are other signals that cause a little craziness and have at times freaked me out a time or two, which probably accounts for the headaches. Certain herbal remedies seem to be helping with some of that. 

Hubby says he's ready though. He feels like a pro because he survived the all of the pregnancy mood swings. He is sure he can survive this menopausal time of my life.

Breakdowns have occurred, especially when walking past a mirror which at this time of life is the biggest reminder. 

I do have a concern though when I see the word incontinence listed among all those things that will eventually happen in my later years. 

Seriously Mother Nature, It's not bad enough that you are laughing down all those other signs and symptoms, I've been your friend and you are going to throw in wet the pants on a girl? 

So, I have decided to face this head on. I am going to have to put my big girl panties on- not the granny panties though- and grab every weapon I can to fight this. Vitamins, some herbal remedies, wine, and definitely chocolate truffles. Which by the way is the answer to everything menopausal!

I am getting adjusted to the new way of life and my motto is: 

"Growing older is a given, growing up- well that is an option. I am fighting it all the way!"

Image found @ Google Images/Demotivational Posters

© 2011 Gossip_GrL